Addictions Anonymous: FF7
by E-san
Summary: Yet another result of to much time on our hands durring science class.... No finished, but we'll update! Promise! May the evil penguins eat our intestine if we don't....
1. Enter the victims . . . .

Addictions Anonymous: FF7  
  
E-san: Hallo! I'm your everyday Queen of Angst, E-san, and I will be your host and phyciatrist while we go over the multiple addictions of several Final Fantasy characters! Today, we will start with the characters of none other than FF7! Would everyone please sit in a circle on the floor, and we will get to each of you in turn. Let's start with . . . . Sephiroth! *Looks starry eyed and expectantly at Sephiroth*  
  
Sephiroth: Sex.  
  
E-san: *blinks* Excuse me?  
  
Sephiroth: Sex.  
  
E-san: Pardon?  
  
Sephiroth: *sighs and stands up* Hi, my name is Sephiroth, and I am addicted to sex. *sits down*  
  
E-san: *blinks rapidly before growing a sweatdrop* Your joking, right?  
  
Sephiroth: No.  
  
E-san: *nervous laughter* Of course your joking! I mean, how many times do you have to do it to be addicted!  
  
Sephiroth: *slowly starts counting off his fingers*  
  
E-san: *sweatdrop*  
  
Sephiroth: *runs out of fingers so starts counting toes*  
  
E-san: *turns a little blue*  
  
Sephiroth: *runs out of toes, shrugs, and starts counting the hairs on his head*  
  
E-san: Enough! Enough! We get the picture! *mutters* Damn. . . . Where's Raine when you really need her?  
  
Raine: *runs in dragging an unconscious Reno* Sorry I'm late! *kicks Reno* Get up!  
  
Reno: *grunts and sits up slowly* . . . . . . eh . . . . . ?  
  
Raine: *drags him to a chair* Sit down!  
  
Reno: *sits down, then passes out, slumping against Rufus*  
  
Rufus: *secretly steals Reno's wallet and peers inside* Dammit! *smacks Reno* Damn drunk. . . *mutters* Spends all his money on booze. . .  
  
E-san: Raine! *lunges her friend into a hug* Thank Goddess you're here! *points accusingly at Sephiroth* Sephiroth's a slut!  
  
Sephiroth: *looks up from where he's still counting hairs* Whu? *blinks innocently*  
  
Tseng: *grumbles* Innocent my ass. . .  
  
Sephiroth: *sticks his toung out at Tseng* Only because you enjoyed it.  
  
Tseng: *blush*  
  
Raine: *hugs E-san, then pulls away and glares at Sephiroth* Zax is going to be mad at you.  
  
Sephiroth: *looks hurt* I NEVER cheated on Zax! I love him.  
  
Tseng: That's not what you said last night. . . .  
  
Sephiroth: *glares* Well, what would you have done if someone held YOU at gunpoint?  
  
Tseng: *glares but blushes*  
  
*knock on the door*  
  
E-san: Reeve! Get the door!  
  
Reeve: *grumbles as he stands up* Reduced to a messenger boy. . . *opens the door* Hello?  
  
Zax: Reeve! *glomps him, then runs over and glomps Raine and E-san before running over to sit in Sephiroth's lap*  
  
Sephiroth: *smiles, hugs Zax and ruffles his hair. Hand gets stuck* Zax. . . . Why is my hand stuck in your hair?  
  
Zax: I ran out of hair gel. . . .  
  
Tseng: *sends a death glare in Zax's direction*  
  
E-san: *sweatdrop* Oh my. . . . Maybe we should move onto someone else. .. . . How about you, Zax?  
  
Zax: *clears his throat and stands up* Hi, my name is Zax, and I'm addicted to. . . . *looks embarrassed*  
  
E-san: Go ahead, honey.  
  
Zax: *mutters*  
  
Yuffie: *blinks* What'd he say?  
  
Zax: *mutters a little louder*  
  
Rufus: Huh? Speak up a little, I can't hear.  
  
Zax: *blows up* Hair Gel, OK?! I'm addicted to hair gel!!!! *drops to the floor, scarlet from embarrassment*  
  
Yuffie: *laughs so hard she's crying*  
  
Sephiroth: *hand still stuck a Zax's hair* This is NOT hair gel! *picks Zax up and puts him in his lap* What is it?  
  
Zax: *blushes* I-it's. . . crazy glue. . .  
  
Sephiroth: *pulls him close and whispers* I know something better you could use. . . .  
  
Zax: *brightens* What?  
  
Sephiroth: *smirks* Did you ever see 'There's Something About Mary'?  
  
Zax: *eyes widen, jaw drops* I-I uh- *stares at Sephiroth in shock*  
  
E-san: *screams* Moving on! Raine? Will you do the honors?  
  
Raine: *turns to Reeve* What are you addicted to?  
  
E-san: Well? *looks expectant*  
  
Reeve: Uh… Well… *blushes*  
  
Tseng: *throws up his hands* Oh, for goodness sakes! He's addicted to Cait Sith!  
  
E-san: *face-fault*  
  
Aeris: *blinks* I don't get it.  
  
Tifa: *mutters* . . . you wouldn't, bitch. . . .  
  
Elena: How the hell does that work?!  
  
Rufus: *steals Reeve's wallet and cackles happily*  
  
Raine: *sees him and hits him with a frying pan* Let me guess, you're addicted to money?  
  
Rufus: *crazed nodding*  
  
Heidegger: Gya-ha-ha! Loser!  
  
E-san: *rubs her temples* . . . . look who's talking. . . . Let me guess Heideggy: Laughing?  
  
Heidegger: Gya-ha-ha! And Twinkies!  
  
Rufus: Stop that laughing!  
  
E-san: *slaps herself* I should have guessed. . .  
  
Heidegger: *sings* I Love To Laugh! Gya-ha-ha-ha!  
  
"BANG!!!"  
  
Heidegger: *falls over dead*  
  
*everyone looks at Rufus who is holding a smoking gun*  
  
E-san: Is there another addiction you forgot to tell us about, Rufus?  
  
Rufus: *sweatdrop* Pink-slips.  
  
Raine: *sweatdrops* Well, isn't that nice. . . *looks over to where Sephiroth is dragging Zax off* Get Back Here!  
  
Zax: *grins sheepishly*  
  
E-san: Let them go. . . *turns green* I don't know ho much longer I could have stood it.  
  
Raine: *sighs and waves her hand* Be gone.  
  
Sephiroth: *picks Zax up and carries him out*  
  
E-san: *sighs and looks at Heidegger's dead body* So much for helping the fat-ass. . . Thanks a lot, Rufus.  
  
Rufus: Hey! Don't blame me! He had it coming to him!  
  
E-san: *blinks* No. I was 'Really' thanking you.  
  
Rufus: *blushes* Oh. Oops.  
  
Reno: *wakes up and blinks* AHH!!! The Light! IT BURNS!!! *screams and clings to Tseng*  
  
Tseng: *scowls* Get him off me!  
  
E-san: Well, Reno, seeing as you've decided to join us, why don't you share what your crazy obsession- Ooops! I meant 'Addiction'- is? *evil grin*  
  
Reno: *proudly* I've got four! *holds up five fingers* Women, booze, booze, and women! *stares dumbfounded at the last finger*  
  
Rude: *whispers to him*  
  
Reno: *brightens* Oh yeah, electrical shocks! *whips out his Mag-rod and grins crazily*  
  
E-san: *mutters* Men.  
  
Scarlet: Kya-ha-ha! Let me help you get rid of at least 'ONE' of those! *shoves his face down her bra*  
  
Reno: Mphf! *sticks his hand up her dress*  
  
E-san: *jaw drops*  
  
Aeris: *covers Yuffie's eyes*  
  
Tifa: *covers clouds eyes*  
  
Elena: *screams*  
  
Tseng: *roles his eyes*  
  
Rufus: *eyes wide and glazed* It's . . . . Like a train wreck. . . you want to look away. .. . but you can't. . . .  
  
E-san: Raine!  
  
Raine: *bashes Reno with her frying pan*  
  
Reno: *slumps to the ground*  
  
E-san: *nods* Thank you, Raine.  
  
Raine: *grins* No problem. *turns to Scarlet* What are you addicted to?  
  
Scarlet: Kya-ha-ha! Guns!  
  
E-san: *puzzled*  
  
Scarlet: Cannons?  
  
E-san: *makes a face* Ew. . .  
  
Scarlet: No! Artillery! *takes a huge machine gun out from beneath her skirt*  
  
Raine: I don't want to know where that came from. . . .  
  
*loud moans heard form next room*  
  
E-san: *starts sobbing* This is 'NOT' turning out as I planned!  
  
To be continued. . . . Maybe. 


	2. The madness continues . . .

E-san: Hello everyone, and welcome back to another fun and disturbing episode of 'Happy Hour!'  
  
Raine: . . . . . . *twitches as she watches Reno and Scarlet making out in the corner*  
  
Zax: I thought this was called "Addictions Anonymous"?  
  
E-san: *sweatdrops* Okie, maybe we should start off with someone new to day. *glares at Zax* NOT you.  
  
Zax: *pouts*  
  
Yuffie: ME! OOH, ME! PICK ME!  
  
Sephiroth: *grins and slings a comforting arm around Zax* I bet I could make you feel better . . . .  
  
Raine: *winces* Okay, what are you addicted to Yuff?  
  
E-san: *grabs Raine's frying pan and beets Sephiroth with it*  
  
Yuffie: *grins* MATERIA!  
  
Raine: *dryly* Who'd have thunk it?  
  
Tseng: *grumbles* Now WHO didn't see that one coming . . . .  
  
Scarlet: *fixing her dress* Why don't you tell them what ELSE you're addicted to, hm? *leering smile*  
  
Yuffie: *flushes* SHUT UP, YA SKANK!  
  
Aeris: *gasps* YUFFIE! WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!  
  
Yuffie: *mutters* . . . . . bitch . . . . .  
  
Reno: *zipping up his pants* She's addicted to hypers!  
  
Yuffie: *screams and lunges at him*  
  
E-san: *gags*  
  
Reno: *yelps and whips out his mag-rod*  
  
Rude: *sighs, stands up and goes to pull Yuffie off Reno*  
  
Raine: *picks up the dented frying pan that E-san beat Sephiroth with and pouts*  
  
E-san: *rubs her forehead* That is something I knew, but Reno. Please. That is NOT something I needed to see . . . . .  
  
Reno: *takes a flask out of his pocket and sips* Watch me give a fuck.  
  
Elena: *raises an eyebrow* Why not? You read and WRITE thing you shouldn't be allowed to read LEGALLY until your 5 years older . . . . .  
  
E-san: *glares* Moving on . . ..  
  
Sephiroth: *twisted grin* I'm addicted to swords . . . . Especially big ones . . . . *sideways glance at Zax* . . . . Like yours . . . .  
  
E-san: *screams*  
  
Raine: *shrieks and wallops him with the frying pan, denting it even more*  
  
E-san: You're NOT ALLOWED to BREATH ANYMORE!!!! *takes a deep breath* Now . . . *smiles* Who's next?  
  
Jessie: *timidly raises her hand* . . . . I like computers . . . . . . .  
  
Elena: *snorts* And I'm a goddamn computer genius. So what?  
  
Tifa: *growls* What the hell is your problem?!  
  
Tseng: *smirks* Me.  
  
Jessie: . . . . . . . . I . . . *blushes* . . . . I REALLY like computers . . . . . . .  
  
Raine: Just get to the point!  
  
Tifa: *blinks* . . . . . Jessie . . . . What are you trying to tell us. . . . ?  
  
Tseng: *snorts* I bet she fucks computers.  
  
Jessie: *blows up* I DID try to fuck a computer, okay!? *gets up and starts to storm off*  
  
Tifa: *saucer eyes* WHAT?!  
  
Tseng: . . . . . . . I was only kidding . . . . .  
  
E-san: . . . . . . . . . . Raine?  
  
Raine: . . . . . . *blinks, then gets up to stop Jessie from leaving* . . . . Why?  
  
Jessie: *stares at her for a moment before breaking down and sobbing* Because Cloud ignored me! I liked him so much! *sobs into Raine's shoulder*  
  
E-san: . . . . . . . . . If any of my sexual fantasies ever go too far . . . . . just shoot me . . . . . please . . . . *begging Rude*  
  
Rude: . . . . . . . .  
  
Raine: *pats her back* There there . . . . Cloud's not worth anything . . .  
  
Tifa: *frowns* Hey!  
  
Jessie: *sobs* He is to ME.  
  
Aeris: *frowns* She's picking on Cloud and she's wanting to make out with Cloud . . . . .  
  
Tifa: *growls* That's further than you ever got with him, bitch. *mutters under her breath*  
  
Zax: *snickers*  
  
Cloud: *being an idiot, sniffing himself* I smell.  
  
Zax: . . . . You haven't washed that outfit once since I gave it to you, have you?  
  
Cloud: *blinks* . . . . . What is this 'wash' you speak of?  
  
Yuffie: *turns green* Ew . . . . .  
  
Zax: *jaw drops* . . . . . . . . . .  
  
Tifa: *moves her mouth silently* . . . . . I pulled that suit off with my-  
  
Rufus: *turns green* And you used those teeth to-*unable to finish, whimpers*  
  
Reeve: *frowns* Now THAT is just unsanitary . . . . .  
  
Rufus: Shove it. At least I never fucked Cait Sith!  
  
Reeve: *sticks his tongue out*  
  
E-san: *nervous laugh* So, Tif, what are YOU addicted to?  
  
Rufus: . . . . *falls over laughing at Reeve*  
  
E-san: TIF!  
  
Tifa: *snorts* Isn't it obvious? I'm addicted to Cloud! *glomps him, smirking at Aeris*  
  
Aeris: *twitches*  
  
Zax: *wrinkles his nose* Doesn't he reek?  
  
E-san: *chuckles* That's a very nice fantasy of yours, but why don't you tell us the REAL reason you were recruited to come here?  
  
Tifa: *twitches* I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Aeris: *giggles* Yes you do . . . *in a sing song voice*  
  
Sephiroth: *smirks* Oh, do tell us. *staring at Zax's ass*  
  
E-san: *smacks Sephiroth*  
  
Tifa: *growls and mutters something very quietly*  
  
Sephiroth: *blinks innocently* What?  
  
Tifa: *twitches and mutters something a little louder*  
  
Rufus: Speak up!  
  
Cloud: *blinks* Breast implants.  
  
Tifa: *freezes*  
  
Rufus: *chuckles* And oh, what she did to get them. *winks at Tifa*  
  
Tifa: SPIRAL HIGH KICK! *kicks Rufus out of the room*  
  
Cloud: *blinks* That wasn't very nice . . . .  
  
Rufus: *gets up and comes back, pointing his shotgun at Tifa and grinning at everyone else* You didn't think they really believed you afforded THOSE on a bartender's salary, did you?  
  
Cloud: *blinks* Uhm . . . . *scratches his head* Am I suppose to protect her now, or what?  
  
Tifa: *squeals* CLOUD! *glomps him*  
  
Rufus: *fires his shotgun into one of Tifa's implants*  
  
Tifa: *screams as gels oozes out and gets all over Clouds suit*  
  
Cloud: *licks his fingers* . . . . . . Now I taste bad . . . . . .  
  
E-san: I think I'm gonna be sick.  
  
Zax: *falls over laughing*  
  
Raine: *stares in transfixed horror*  
  
Aeris: *jumps up* Oh Cloud! It's alright! *glomps him and drags him away from Tifa* I STILL think you taste good! *smiles*  
  
Elena: *gags*  
  
Raine: *turns green*  
  
Sephiroth: *makes a face* Skanky slutbag . . . . .  
  
Zax: Ewwww . . . Aeris, I always thought you were a nice girl! *buries his head in Sephiroth's chest*  
  
Tifa: *sobs and clutches Rude* OH RUDE!  
  
Rude: *turns beat red and pats her slowly on the back*  
  
Sephiroth: *absently puts an arm around him, still staring at Aeris in disgusted horror*  
  
E-san: *looks ready throw up* Next person . . . Please . . . . . c  
  
Marlene: *raises her hand*  
  
E-san: *sighs* Yes Marlene?  
  
Marlene: *smiles and holds up a naked Barbie* Dollies!  
  
E-san: *screams and hits Barret with Raine's frying pan* What kind of father are you!!!!!  
  
Marlene: *holds up a little dress* Come play dressie with me, Miss E-san! Daddy says it's in-uh-pro-pree-ut for him to show me how.  
  
E-san: *screams louder and hits him harder* AND A BARBIE NO LESS!!!!  
  
Marlene: *tears up* Somebody show me how to dress Miss Barbie!!  
  
Elena: *smiles at Marlene* That looks like miss Tifa, doesn't it? Don't worry. I'm sure Mister Cod will show you.  
  
Marlene: *shakes her head* Miss Tifa's boobies are bigger, and she's got brown hair!  
  
Aeris: *growls* And that's "CLOUD" to YOU bitch.  
  
Elena: *flips her hair* At least I've got the gall to slap him.  
  
Aeris: *growls*  
  
Yuffie: *raises an eyebrow* What IS your problem today?  
  
Tseng: *smirks* Me.  
  
Marlene: *throws the Barbie at Aeris* Don't growl at Miss Turk! She's nice! *hugs Elena*  
  
Elena: *turns to Raine. patting Marlene's head* If I may? *takes frying pan and bashes Tseng on the head with it* Strangely, that was satisfying.  
  
Raine: *looks at the beaten hulk of cast iron that used to be her frying pan and turns to Rufus* You're buying me a new one of these, Moneybags.  
  
Reno: So, what IS your problem today? Yesterday, you were hanging all over Mr. Tight-Ass-Boss here.  
  
Elena: *sighs* Well, I suppose anyone's opinion would change if they walked in on what HE was doing this morning . . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: Giving Rufus a blowjob?  
  
Ice Green Queen: Elena: *winces* Worse, and would someone plaese take the child out of here?  
  
Barrett: *picks Marlene up and carries her out*  
  
Yuffie: *follows them out* Come on, I'll show you how to REALLY have fun with Barbie's . . . .  
  
Marlene: *smiles* Okie!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh so he was fucking Hojo?  
  
Elena: *shudders* Not quite that bad, but you'll think it worse . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: . . . . . . There are WORSE things than THAT?  
  
Elena: *raises an eyebrow* You know that weird dream I know you had last night? The one where you and Tseng . . . . . ?  
  
Sephiroth: *glares and growls* What about it?  
  
Elena: *scowls* Let's just say involves your dream and a life sized Sephiroth voodoo doll . . . .  
  
E-san: *gags*  
  
Sephiroth: *faints*  
  
Zax: You. Sick. Bastard. *lunges at Tseng with the Ultima Weapon given to him by Cloud*  
  
E-san: *shakes her head* This is just getting sick. *watches Zax beat the shit out of an unconscious Tseng* Hey . . . . . Raine?  
  
Raine: Yes?  
  
E-san: . . . . . . . . Do you know where I can get a piece of Johnny Depps hair?  
  
Raine: . . . . . E-san, if I knew that, I'd have a wig MADE of it!  
  
E-san: *scowls* Dammit. *thinks* . . . . . . . . . .Where is Palmer?  
  
Yuffie: Lard-ass skipped today.  
  
Reeve: *shakes his head* No. There wasn't enough lard in the snack machine, so he decided to go to McDonalds.  
  
E-san: *frowns* Sick. Well, he certainly went to the right place . . . . . .  
  
Raine: *snorts and shakes her head* No. Even that place doesn't have enough lard for him, even if he drank from the frying vats!  
  
E-san: *sighs and watches Nanaki chewing on the hunk of dead flesh that is Heidegger* . . . . How come everything we ever try to help always seems to make things worse? 


	3. A scene from the locker room

Disclaimer: Don't own Shinra. Nope. Sorry. That's Rufus. And this is just a pointless little side story from the meetings themselves. Be worried . . . 

~*~*~

E-san: *sneaks into the Turks lounge, holding a crowbar behind her back as she glances both ways before making a dash for the lockers and proceeding to try and rip one open*

Rude: *wiping his face with a towel, comes in from the weight room and pauses, watching her*

E-san: *sees him and perks up* Hey! Rude! Ole' Buddy, Ole' Pal! Help me pry Tseng's locker open!

Rude: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *Shrugs and comes over and starts to pull it open with the crowbar*

Reno: *comes in after Rude whining* Dude, why do we have to complete twenty FUCKING sets! It's not- *stops and stares at them proceed to tear the door off of Tseng's locker* . . . . . . . . What are you doing?

E-san: *glances over and sweatdrops* H-hey! Reno! Nice to see ya! You're coming to the next meeting right? Hehehe, last one was a little off I know, but still-

Reno: Why are you breaking in Tseng's locker?

E-san: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I need proof. 

Reno: . . . . . . . . . . . Fair enough. *Comes over an starts pulling too*

E-san: *blinks* Huh?!

Reno: *frowns* What? You think you're the only one a little freaked out by the whole voodoo doll thing? I need a little proof myself.

Elena: *dryly, from behind them* Then maybe you should try doing it the easy way if you're going to break into his locker. 

Reno & E-san: *yelp and spin around* Don't DO THAT!

Elena: *roles her eyes* Get over it and step aside. *pulls out a screwdriver* 

Reno, Rude & E-san: *step aside*

Elena: *walks over, stares at the locker a moment before dropping her screwdriver and simply typing in the combination code*

Reno: . . . . . . . . . . . . Well, shit, if THAT wasn't just a bit too easy . . . . . . .

E-san: *frowns* Elena, how do you know Tsengy's combination?

Elena: Simple. You don't think Shinra would have hired me as to hack unless I could beat their system, do you? *swings the locker open, revealing its contents*

Reno: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

E-san: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Elena: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Rude: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WhaT tHE fUCk?!

~*~*~

To be continued . . . . . .  *hides*

E-san: I'd like to apologize to Raine. She was not available to write this with me when I was THIS bored . . . . . 


End file.
